Simulated Guilt
by C.T Saiyukily Twisted
Summary: Sanzo starts dreaming, and those dreams deceive him and lead him to hurt Goku and the others. Goku then has to help Sanzo save himself from himself. [39]
1. Nightmare just for you

**:Simulated Guilt:**

**Disclaimer: **If I were to own Saiyuki, I would be getting a thousand dollars from my red packet money instead of just a few hundred dollars and less. But I shouldn't complain anyway.

**Warnings:** The regular shounen-ai and the use of language. And slight OOCness for Sanzo. But if I don't make Sanzo slightly OOC, there will be no shounen-ai. Please bear with me.

_Sanzo almost sobbed in agony. Thoughts of his master, illusions of unattainable happiness, flooded his mind, as he watched the blood flow from his hands. Goku's blood. He had killed his own loved one. No youkai had did it; human or monster had killed Goku. But he was the one who sent Goku to his death. The gun he chose as a weapon to kill himself whenever he wished was the one which sent Goku to his pure, innocent death._

_How he did it, he didn't know. All he saw was his gun, Goku, and his blood-smeared hands. He was the only person there, so the only person he could have done it was him._

_He killed Goku._

* * *

Goku watched worriedly from the doorway. Sanzo was having another bad dream. Even worse, it wasn't raining. What could have triggered off the painful groans from his beautiful sun?

_Nah, it's probably nothing. _Goku assured himself. _Sanzo always has the same nightmares again and he always returns to his normal self. But I do wish his nomal self could be a little nicer… _With that thought, he went back to his own separate room.

What Goku didn't know, the nightmares Sanzo were having now, weren't the same.

* * *

"Urrr...I feel like shit…"

Strangely, Goku couldn't sleep properly last night. He had first thought it was the sheets that weren't washed properly, but after he found out they were just brought out of the washing machine, he thought it was because he didn't have enough food, and after he remembered that he had one whole table of food to himself during dinner he later thought that maybe it was because he slept through the whole day, but later he remembered he was busy competing with Gojyo on who had came up with the most names for the other and that one of Sanzo's bullets created a centre parting in his hair for his great efforts, he finally concluded that he was thinking too much.

But it wasn't like him to think so much -**he did think, as much as the kappa said he didn't-** and just before sleep too, after a long day where everything had consisted of yells and a certain amount of rude words and gunshots.

He couldn't sense what was bugging him, but he knew that something was bugging him, and he felt as sure of that feeling as much as he was sure that _nikumans _was food that had dropped down from heaven.

He looked around absent-mindedly, and he finally noticed that his sun wasn't there. That was even stranger. Sanzo always was the second one to wake up, or if he had a bad dream -like last night- there could be a chance he would wake up earlier than Hakkai. Either way, he would always rise early in the morning, screaming at whoever was still asleep -mainly him and Gojyo- and awaking them, regardless of whether they had enough sleep.  
He wasn't wrong as referring to him as his 'sun'.

Or his personal -and very,verypretty- alarm clock.

"Hakkai…"

"Mmm?"

"Where's Sanzo?"

That question led to a long, uncomfortably tense silence. Goku could almost feel Hakkai's thoughts flitting through his complexed mind, and as complexed as Hakkai's mind was, Goku could feel that Hakkai was beginning to find it suspicious that Sanzo was actually late. It meant that Sanzo wasn't early. It meant that Sanzo overslept, and Sanzo never overslept.

It could only mean one thing.

Sanzo wasn't himself today.

Gojyo entered the room. "Why's everybody so quiet? Oi, Hakkai! 'KAI! I know that you are a quiet person, but you TALK. And you, monkey! HEY! Don't ignore me!"

Gojyo paused, sensing that something -or somebody- was missing from the room.

"Uhh.. Where's the bouzu?"

That did it. Goku and Hakkai rushed to Sanzo's room, with the kappa following grudgingly behind.

Goku opened the door slowly. Sanzo was still sleeping, but that same panicked look that Goku saw that night was still on his face, never changing. It was even worse, as Sanzo was sweating, and he kept uttering inaudible words in his sleep, with horrid groans following after.

"Sanzo! SANZO! Wake up!"

Sanzo's eyelids fluttered open.

He reached for Goku's head and held it gently-

Before ramming his charge's head into the floor.

A/N: Hell, what am I doing, starting a new fanfic before I haven't even updated my other one. But I felt a loss of 39 these few days, so I started a story where there is certain to be 39, all the way. It is so inauspicious writing an angst story before Chinese New Year, but who cares.


	2. Questions Unanswered

**:Simulated Guilt: Questions Unanswered**

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Saiyuki, I would actually be able to finish my work by the end of this one-week holiday. Which has never happened.

**Warnings:** The regular shounen-ai and the use of language. And slight OOCness for Sanzo. But if I don't make Sanzo slightly OOC, there will be no shounen-ai. Please bear with me. Slight lime in the beginning of this chapter.

_

* * *

His breath was warm all over his body. In fact all of him was warm, though with a touch of ice. His beautiful freezing sun gave light and warmth only to him and nobody else. Though he knew he was being selfish, he was extremely pleased that he was the only person that his sun felt worthy to give warmth to. Fingers traveled all over him, while he felt something wet travel into his mouth, and he happily accepted it, licking his sun's face after breaking away from the kiss. He wrapped his arms around his sun, doing his best to try to draw more warmth from him, while the sun enveloped his long arms around the Earth's child body, providing each other satisfaction. _

Goku did not even have time to think when his head hit the floor. The only last lingering thought in his mind was whether Sanzo was alright.

Sanzo was confused when he woke up. All he remembered was blood, brown hair and guilt. Then everything came back in a rush, and all the guilt came back to him. But all of a sudden, he saw the spitting image of Goku, the exact impersonation of the Earth Child. Sanzo was not going to be fooled by it. He was not. He knew he had killed his lover, and that he was completely guilty for it. He believed it was his mind that played tricks on him. He had to get rid of this impersonation. Nobody could ever replace Goku. But when he looked into the eyes of the impersonation, he felt those golden, innocent eyes boring through his soul. He had to get rid of it, before his mind was taken in by it. _Get away! _

Hakkai and Gojyo stared at Sanzo hurling Goku to the floor. The monk had hit the monkey down with a fair number of smacks from the infamous fan, but this ram into the head had been so full of malice and anger. They stared at the scene for a good few seconds, not knowing how to respond. It never happened before.

Gojyo gained his head back together faster than Hakkai, his instinct to send the monk to hell overpowering his senses. Goku was his friend, his one-way trip out of boredom, and Sanzo just casually woke up from his beautiful sleep and happily rammed Goku's head into the floor. Well, it wasn't really like that, but the damage was done.

"What the fuck are you doing, you stupid monk? When the heck did you turn into a sadist? Was your brain knocked out of its usual shitty place into an even shittier one? That was _Goku, _for goodness sake!"

Hakkai stared at the chaotic scene of Gojyo yelling and the blood seeping out of Goku's head. He picked Goku up and looked at the wound carefully. It was much worse than it looked, with blood slowly covering the young Earth's Child face, with its frozen facial expressions of worry just a few minutes ago. He had to get Goku's head bandaged quickly. Meanwhile, he would let Gojyo do the yelling.

"Hey! What has gotten into you? You can be charged for animal abuse, you know! Even I think Goku has not done anything stupid enough to get a head inju"

"He's not Goku."

Gojyo froze in mid-sentence. "…wassat?" His thoughts were completely incoherent, let alone his spoken words.

Sanzo raised his voice angrily. "He. Is. Not. GOKU."

His ears were in proper working condition, though.

Hakkai froze too. It was strange Sanzo should make such a statement, but it was the monk's eyes that made him go on high alert. Sanzo's normally deep, sharp violet eyes suddenly were dulled, and purple was mingled with red, black and grey. As if he was in the middle of a dream.

* * *

"Hey, Hakkai… Is Goku gonna be fine?" Stupid question. 

"Yeah, he'll be alright. The wound will heal pretty quickly. He is Goku after all." Uncertain answer.

"What will we tell Goku when he wakes up?" A question that can only be answered

"Maybe Sanzo will tell him the reason?"when everything is said.

"That stupid monk won't say anything else besides that the monkey is not the monkey. He's now just sulking at one corner."

Maybe the question can never be answered.

"We'll see what happens."

A/N: That was tough. I didn't even think of an idea before writing it out. It just came when I typed. Let's see how Goku will react when he does wake up, hmm? If you're lucky, my brain might think of something better than this.


	3. Enter the Darkness

**:Simulated Guilt: Enter the Darkness**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Saiyuki. Enough said.

**Warnings:** Nothing much, really. Language and angst is just about it.  
There are also spoilers for the Burial arc and there will be a few references to Saiyuki Vol. 8 and Saiyuki Reload Vol.2, but it's mainly for the Burial arc.

**Pairings:** Mainly 39, hinted 89(Hakkai-seme! Can't resist. XD) and another special pairing, but I will not point it out now. It isn't a very popular pairing, but I'm sure there are some people will like it. If you've read the burial arc, you will know.

* * *

And while all this happened, a smile formed slowly.

"Ah, Koumyou. Was my reaction like this when you died?"

He giggled slightly.

"Alike, indeed."

_

* * *

Meanwhile…_

Silence.

Shifting.

Silence.

"Oi, bouzu!"

Silence.

"If the monkey's not the monkey, then where's the monkey?"

Silence. And bad aura.

"Er…"

Very, very bad aura.

_Eep! Hakkai, save me!_

"Sanzo, Goku's head is in bad shape. I am sure he is Goku, right down to his terrible table manners and his concern for you. How can you say that this is not Goku?"

"Fuck off."

"Well, not the answer I was expecting, but a slight improvement from the previous repetitive answers. But will you care to explain _why_ he is not Goku?"

"_Because he is not."_

"Did you not hear me, Sanzo? The question was _why_."

Bad aura. Much, much bad aura.

_From both sides._

This thus encouraged Gojyo to retreat from the two currently livid men towards the safety of Goku's room. No sooner had he put one foot outside the door that the voice of the Great Judge echoed throughout his head.

"I would like it _very much_ if you _stayed here_ to _talk_ some sense into Sanzo, _Gojyo-san_."

This caused Gojyo to yelp not very quietly. He had heard this tone of voice before which immediately meant that what Hakkai had really said was:

"_Get your ass here_ and _pummel_ the sense into Sanzo or I will take the pleasure of _killing_ you, my _dearest_ Gojyo."

Gojyo pondered whether to make the dash for Goku's room and have his death delayed, or stay and suffer in a room with two men with murderous intent,one of them his extremely irked lover, who was about to explode with all that smiling.

Gojyo whimpered and resumed his seat beside Hakkai.

"Why, thank you, Gojyo." Hakkai said, his deadly, interrogative smile slipping into place as he turned towards Sanzo.

"Blood… so much blood…"

Sanzo seemed to enter a trance, "blood" and "could not protect" being the most often said words. Hakkai and Gojyo started to get worried, remembering the time when the monk was thrashing about after the fight with Kami-sama.

"Do you think he could be talking about his master, Hakkai?"

"Most probably, but what has not protecting his master have to do with Goku? I think--"

Hakkai hadn't even finished his last sentence when he was sent sprawling over the floor. Sanzo stood over him, staring at him with the same dulled eyes.

"I haven't buried him. Not yet. I have to."

Gojyo was shocked and seriously irritated. First Goku, and now Hakkai. Not only that, Sanzo was murmuring on how he hadn't buried what's-his-name. He had enough.

"Are you out of your damned mind, Mr. Fuck-Off-Angst-is-my-Lover? First Goku, now Hakkai. And all you can think about is burying-- to heck with his name, but wake up, damn it!"

Hakkai moved slightly, two of his ribs broken. Something wasn't right about that punch. It reminded of the berserk prince when he was brainwashed by Zakuro. Just like a puppet.

"Sanzo, if you're talking about your late master, don't you think it is a little too late now to bury him? And after all, weren't you the one who told me about Muichimotsu and to be bound by nothing when I remembered Kanan's death? Don't you think you should do that for your master?" Hakkai felt a pang when he brought up the name of his past lover, but stared steadily at Sanzo. Sanzo jerked his head towards Hakkai.

"No, not Oshou-sama. Goku. I cannot leave him to rot like Oshou-sama, I cannot…"

Gojyo and Hakkai stared at Sanzo in disbelief.

"What? Goku…?"

"Killed him with my own hands…don't know how, but I did. I saw. His blood was all over me. Goku's blood."

Gojyo and Hakkai could barely grasp what Sanzo had said, and what they did grasp they did not want to grasp. They allowed Sanzo to walk out and stumble to goodness-knows-where, when Goku stumbled out of his room at the same time.

"Sanzo? Sanzo! Are you alright? Where're you going? Sanzo…?"

Goku was shoved away without a second glance. Sanzo barely made it to the door of the inn when he collapsed, his hand reaching to grasp thin air.

* * *

Goku's mind had apparently finally hit rock bottom, considering that his head had been rammed against the floor and he had just woken up from a very hazy sleep. So what his mind could not accomplish his lungs and diaphragm did for him. He screamed. On and on, whether from shock, worry or just plain confusion on how to react, he screamed.

"Hakkai! Gojyo! Why did he collapse? He wasn't really sick or anything, was he? Gojyo? Hakkai? Say something!"

At that moment a dark shadowy figure stepped in, his hair as shiny and black like a crow's feathers, and the black robes similar to that of a crow's jet black coat.

"Oh my. I guess the drug was a little too much, hmmm?" The same twisted, manipulative smile forming on his face, the same façade he had kept up for a long, long time.

* * *

A/N: Apologies for the long, long wait. Especially Aina and Andrea (sankyuu for waiting!). Not much Sanzo/Goku here, and am very sorry. I'm sure you've guessed who the character is, the "crow" and the "manipulative smile" being a dead giveaway. Let's just say I was concentrating on him and Hakkai while I was writing this chapter, so if Sanzo and Goku seem OOC, please forgive me. 


End file.
